''You wake up''
It was a restful nights sleep and you wake feeling
[[refreshed -> Waking]]
[[tired -> Waking]]
[[off -> Waking]]
''Something isn't quite right''
Against all logic and reason you feel all of these at once.
refreshed, tired, and off.
Very surreal and very strange.
You decide to
[[check facebook]]
[[roll over and sleep]]
[[focus on your emotions]]
''You unplug your phone and begin to scroll''
You find some gifs that are funny enough to emit a chuckle
and you start to feel better, at least a little bit.
[[Let's get some breakfast]]
''You roll back over and close your eyes''
The sweet embrace of sleep comes over you again and you sleep
for about thirty minutes before waking up again.
Unfortunately, now you just feel tired and off.
[[Let's get some breakfast]]
''You try to focus on that last feeling, intently''
In the back of your mind you know you have felt this feeling
before. You just can't quite place it. If you recall correctly, it is not the best feeling in the world.
As you try to pull your increasingly nebulous thoughts together
your stomach growls at you and reminds you that you haven't eaten in a while.
[[Let's get some breakfast]]
''You slowly slide out of bed and your feet hit the floor''
Before you leave your room, you pick up your phone and carry it with you to the kitchen.
You notice the house is unusually empty for a weekday. Normally you would at least see some of your family members puttering around the living room.
Odd, but not uncommon.
You go to the fridge and open it up, peering inside you come
across
[[some oldish fruit -> not really hungry]]
[[a half-eaten pork chop -> not really hungry]]
''You're suddenly not that hungry''
You decide to just have a few pieces of toast instead.
As you're munching on your toast you open up your phone and
begin to look for new videos on youtube.
You find something cool and begin watching.
[[Time skip time Wooo!]]
''By the time you get bored of watching videos it is 2PM''
You feel inexplicably empty, not from watching videos but just in general. That off feeling has been intensifying for the past few hours and you can't place why.
You decide to get up and do something else for a while, but what should you do?
[[test out your new hdmi cable]]
[[play your ukelele]]
[[work on your newest game idea]]
''You gather up the equipment you need and find a tv''
You find the right port to plug your laptop into your tv and
begin to test some programs and games out with it.
Oddly enough, you're not very excited. In fact your excitement levels are very low, very low indeed.
This is strange to you as the hdmi cable was one of your most anticipated christmas gifts.
It works exactly as you expected and yet that doesn't seem to be enough to break you out of your funk.
[[funk in the bad sense not the good sense ->You slowly put the ukelele down and stop to think.]]
''You go back to your room and hunt for your ukelele''
Once it is found it brings a sense of joy to you immediately.
You pick it up, tune the strings, and begin strumming.
At first everything is going well and you're just noodling for the fun of it. After a while that gets boring too, so you decide to try and play some specific chords.
The only problem with this plan is that you haven't played a chord on your ukelele for at least a few months.
Slowly you begin to get frustrated and the empty feelings start to return. Somehow stronger than ever. It becomes harder and harder to keep playing.
[[You slowly put the ukelele down and stop to think.]]
''You boot up your computer and go to open up your game project''
You think about all of the battles and enemies you still have to
program and then remember you still have 3 more boss fights to program too.
As you think of these game features you remember the well made game that you played yesterday and feel both wistful and jealous at the same time.
You go to move a few tiles around and place some random NPC's but truth be told your heart's just not in it today.
[[Maybe you can come back to it tommorow ->You slowly put the ukelele down and stop to think.]]
This isn't right, you don't normally act this way. In fact this is about as far out of character for you as a person as you can imagine. Most of the time you are a happy, upbeat, and positive person who has a surplus of energy.
Right now you wouldn't be able to muster the energy to even go for a walk.
[[maybe try to analyze it]]
''You know you must be feeling this way for some reason''
So you begin to analyze and bring logic and reasoning into the cloudy mixture of fog that is your brain at the moment.
Through the mist and muck you make out a word that can better describe what you are feeling at this very moment.
It is a dangerous word though, you know it to be so and the mist tries to cover it up.
You refuse your mind the luxury and begin reading the word aloud.
~~Anxiety~~
The moment you give it a name, you immediately regret it.
You try in vain to block it out again.
[[Doesn't seem to work very well]]
''Way to go buddy, you had to find it didn't ya''
You can feel your brain taunting you.
They're always an asshole when this happens.
Feelings are now given form, but it is an ugly form. One that is
not easily accepted in your current state of mind.
First step:
[[Denial]]
You're not having anxiety, that's absurd! You've had the day off today. Why in God's name would you feel bad on your day off?
Second Step:
[[Anger]]
An anxiety attack, well that's just peachy! Who could've predicted this! Not you that's for damn sure. If you could you would have penciled in feeling like a sack of shit for the entire day in advance!
Third step:
[[Bargaining]]
Maybe if you say you're anxious it will go away. Yeah, that's it!
All you gotta do is say that you're feeling anxious out loud. That'll fix it for sure.
Fourth Step:
[[Depression]]
Didn't fix it. Made it worse. Not feeling like myself. Not at all. That's not good, must be bad. Does that mean something's wrong with me? I hope not, I have school and interviews and resume building and social interactions and and and... AND
[[This may not be working]]
''You take a break from analyzation, probably for the best''
It is early evening. You skipped lunch and know that even though your stomach is churning and you aren't really hungry that you should at least eat something.
You find that your parents have cooked you supper and left it on the stove. You take a small portion and begin eating.
Suddenly you feel very cold.
After supper you decide to put on your jacket and try to get warm.
Ever since naming your problem the problem has only gotten worse.
You feel extremely hot and are now bursting with energy.
The feeling gives you hope and you start to believe you are feeling better.
[[not exactly]]
''Your energy begins to fade and you start to feel cold again''
Better to keep the jacket on then. It's probably for the best.
And just like that you've got energy again. Out of fricken nowhere. Literally nowhere.
One moment you feel like a sloth crawling through molasses and the next you are bouncing around inside your own body.
You feel a cavalcade of emotions that are difficult to pin down.
Suddenly you hear one of your parents call you from the other room
[[pull yourself together]]
No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, NO, NO, NO, NO, no, no, no, no,
NO, NO, no,No, No, no, no, NO, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, NO, NO, NO, NO, no, no, no, no, NO, NO, no,No, No, no, no, NO, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, NO, NO, NO, NO, no, no, no, no,
NO, NO, no,No, No, no, no, NO, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, NO, NO, NO, NO, no, no, no, no, NO, NO, no,No, No, no, no, NO,No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, NO, NO, NO, NO, no, no, no, no,
NO, NO, no,No, No, no, no, NO,No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, NO, NO, NO, NO, no, no, no, no, NO, NO, no,No, No, no, no, NO,No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, NO, NO, NO, NO, no, no, no, no,
NO, NO, no,No, No, no, no, NO,No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, NO,NO, NO, NO, no, no, no, no, NO, NO, no,No, No, no, no, NO,No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, NO, NO, NO, NO, no, no, no, no,
NO, NO, no,No, No, no, no, NO,No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, NO, NO, NO, NO, no, no, no, no, NO, NO, no,No, No, no, no, NO,No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, NO, NO, NO, NO, no, no, no, no,
NO, NO, no,No, No, no, no, NO,No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, NO,NO, NO, NO, no, no, no, no, NO, NO, no,No, No, no, no, NO ...
[[Back ->Doesn't seem to work very well]]
Fucking shit piece of godamn bitch-ass feelings and mental state.
[[Back ->Doesn't seem to work very well]]
C'mon take the bait. TAKE IT!!!! I know you want to take it. It's a good deal I swear it is. All you have to do is to take the deal. Everyone gets what they want and I can get some peace.
[[Back ->Doesn't seem to work very well]]
This is happening more frequently now. Used to only happen every couple of months.
[[Back ->Doesn't seem to work very well]]
''You manage to pull together your emotions for a moment''
As you walk into the room you begin to talk to them and they ask if everything is alright.
You tell them you've been having a bad day and that you've been feeling anxious all day and you can't really pin down why.
They tell you to sit down and talk about why you might be feeling anxious.
You have great difficulty with this and can only manage to list trivial things that you know are not bothering you.
Your parent then lists the things that you know are bothering you.
You just didn't know it until they named them for you.
Even if you weren't consciously thinking of them, you must of been subconciously thinking of them. Which your parents remind you, is something that you cannot control.
You immediately begin to feel better
Stage Five:
[[Acceptance]]
Tears roll down your face. You don't stop feeling anxious, but you feel noticably more stable. Your emotions begin to shift and you can feel yourself mellow out a bit.
You give your parent a hug, tell them thank you and begin to walk back to your room. You're late to see your friends anyway.
[[epilogue]]
''You know it's not over, but that doesn't matter that much. You've won this battle, with help and determination. You've persevered and made it to the end of the day. You know that this pales in comparison to other people's experiences with the same dreaded feeling. But you feel compelled to share it anyway''
You get online and talk to your friends and start to feel even better.
Yet you know that the feelings persist.
You get online and decide to get your emotions out in the form of a small twine story.
It helps a lot.
tranquility and solidarity form once again in your mind.
Peace begins to reign over your mind again and your energy levels plateau finally.
[[Back ->pull yourself together]]